Motherhood is bliss; it’s also scary as hell. Here are 10 moments I secretly dread as a mom:
1. When she discovers Toy Story. My heart can’t handle the emotional turmoil I’ll go through watching those toys face a fiery death thirty-five times a day.
2. When someone (and I bet it will be one of her grandmothers) tells her that her father and I found love at 16 so it is wildly unfair of us to hate her boyfriend, who wears skinny jeans, eyeliner and goes by something ridiculous like “Rufus.” Oh, God. I can hear it now: “Rufus gets me! I love him, Daddy!” (Vomit.)
3. The first time she’s hurt and comes to me bleeding and I wake up to find her standing over me because I hit the floor at the sight of blood. I fear that after that moment, she’ll question my authority for sure.
4. When she’s twenty and laughing because her mom “…used to have a Zooey Deschanel haircut.”
5. When I have to sedate my husband to get him down the aisle to give her away. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
6. That moment when I nearly bite my tongue in half while my husband gives our baby away because despite having thrown himself into the parenthood trenches alongside of me, I will always secretly feel a little more entitled because of those stretch marks on my belly.
7. That moment on the playground when I see someone bullying her and I have to hold on tight to rational, adult Amanda instead of embracing brass-knuckle-wearing, thug Amanda who will gladly throw down right by the swings.
8. When she realizes the sauerkraut I feed her is in fact cabbage and not “German cheese.”
9. When in the middle of nursing, she stops to ask if “…these things can make juice.”
10. That terrifying moment when it becomes CRYSTAL clear that I have NO idea what I’m doing and that I’ve been winging this parenthood thing all along. I don’t know why but I’m pretty sure this will happen during that one time a day when I let my guard down and go to the bathroom so to add insult to injury, I will have to chase her with my pants around my ankles.
What moments do you fear?