Motherhood is bliss; it’s also scary as hell. Here are 10 moments I secretly dread as a mom:
1. When she discovers Toy Story. My heart can’t handle the emotional turmoil I’ll go through watching those toys face a fiery death thirty-five times a day.
2. When someone (and I bet it will be one of her grandmothers) tells her that her father and I found love at 16 so it is wildly unfair of us to hate her boyfriend, who wears skinny jeans, eyeliner and goes by something ridiculous like “Rufus.” Oh, God. I can hear it now: “Rufus gets me! I love him, Daddy!” (Vomit.)
3. The first time she’s hurt and comes to me bleeding and I wake up to find her standing over me because I hit the floor at the sight of blood. I fear that after that moment, she’ll question my authority for sure.
4. When she’s twenty and laughing because her mom “…used to have a Zooey Deschanel haircut.”
5. When I have to sedate my husband to get him down the aisle to give her away. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Tina Fey describing that moment every mother with a daughter dreads.
6. That moment when I nearly bite my tongue in half while my husband gives our baby away because despite having thrown himself into the parenthood trenches alongside of me, I will always secretly feel a little more entitled because of those stretch marks on my belly.
7. That moment on the playground when I see someone bullying her and I have to hold on tight to rational, adult Amanda instead of embracing brass-knuckle-wearing, thug Amanda who will gladly throw down right by the swings.
8. When she realizes the sauerkraut I feed her is in fact cabbage and not “German cheese.”
9. When in the middle of nursing, she stops to ask if “…these things can make juice.”
10. That terrifying moment when it becomes CRYSTAL clear that I have NO idea what I’m doing and that I’ve been winging this parenthood thing all along. I don’t know why but I’m pretty sure this will happen during that one time a day when I let my guard down and go to the bathroom so to add insult to injury, I will have to chase her with my pants around my ankles.
What moments do you fear?
Does one that has happened already, count? Much to my father’s dismay of wasting my college education…..Every morning as we go to pre school Evie points at Target and says “mommy’s work.” Yes, I work part time at Target. I also am trying to build my calligraphy business but I guess working in my studio at home isn’t “work.” Top it off as I was arriving to pick her up today, after my Target “work” a school age kid who was arriving for after school care, made some sort of snide remark about my Target uniform. I sooo wanted to tell the kid off, explain that you should respect and be thankful for any kind of job in this economy. That I took the job when my husband was facing a 2nd time of unemployment in the last 4 years and I work with many single moms who are supporting themselves and their kids by working at Target. I guess it’s really time to re-consider my job opportunities and build my business. Sorry about the small soapbox stand.
FWIW, I had both my parents walk me down the aisle when I got married. Just a little something to consider…