My Un-Pregnancy: Week 11

By the 11th week of pregnancy, the baby's ears have almost assumed their place on the head. The baby won't begin to hear until the 18th week but even this early, the equipment is there.

This is sort of how I'm feeling 11 weeks into my un-pregnancy: the equipment is there but I'm not fully functioning. I've yet to hear.

Since I decided to become a work-at-home mom, I've struggled with how to structure my day. Should I spend the day cleaning? Writing? Working my Mary Kay business? Giving that sweet, little belly of Ada's raspberries? It isn't like I'm waking up and leisurely thinking "Hmmm...what to do today?" It's more like a game of Frogger. I'm trying not to be run over. I'm like a deer caught in the headlights. This lifestyle that I thought would be so freeing is often times heavier than I anticipated. The guilt I had over going to work and leaving Ada with someone else has been replaced with guilt over spending too much time with her and not enough on other things that will bring home extra income to take some of the financial burden off my husband. When I get too focused on work, I feel guilty that Ada has spent too many hours looking at the back of my head, getting a pacifier shoved in her mouth, while I work on writing projects or orders. It reminds me of a feeling I started having around this time in pregnancy: the ache of my uterus growing and stretching to accommodate another life.

Every week of my pregnancy, I compared that little life to a fruit or vegetable so I could picture her size. At 11 weeks, she was the size of a lime. That sweet, little baby sleeping so soundly in her Pack N' Play right now was the size of a lime. And you know what? At the time, I remember thinking how will I ever have enough room for her? The truth is, I'm still wondering. How will I ever have enough time to read the Bible daily when I barely make time to eat more than what I can grab with one hand as I pass through the kitchen? How will I manage writing and running a business from home? How will I find time to read bedtime stories, kiss boo-boos and teach lessons? How will I cut coupons, fold towels and wash out spit-up without leaving my husband with nothing but scraps of myself? How will I savor these moments that are passing me so quickly?

As I sit here in a silent house at 3:30 a.m., the answer seems so clear. I am trying too hard to be too much. I am still not depending entirely on God. I have ears but they aren't working yet. I don't feel like I can fit everything I need to be into this skin I've been given.

Aren't we all in this boat? Trying too hard to be everything, to wear all of the hats?

I just stumbled across 1 Corinthians 3:7 which says, "So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow." I so desperately need Him to make me grow right now so why I am still trying to do it on my own? In pregnancy, I didn't force my belly to grow each week. I did not mark off on my to-do list "make Ada the size of an apple today." I didn't expect her to hear until her ears were right where they needed to be. And when I really think about it, has God demanded that I am all of those things or am I the one demanding myself to be all of those things?

It is me. I am the demanding one. I am the hat maker.

So, I'm going to try to be still and remember that even though I have a long way to go, I've come a long way by the grace of a God who is elbow-deep in my crazy. The biggest change I need to make this week is going to God's word. I don't know why I put this off so much. I don't know why I don't start my day reading the Bible when I know that it is the water I need. I've decided to do this during Ada's 10 a.m. feeding for a few reasons. First, I am awake enough during that feeding to function. Second, I have to sit still. Third, I want meal times to become a time of thanksgiving for her so what better way to start that lesson? That is my goal for the week. How will you drink to grow this week?