My Unpregnancy: Week 6

By the sixth week of pregnancy, the heart has started beating. The eyes and ears are forming and so begins the period of most rapid growth. In the sixth week of my un-pregnancy, I feel like I am listening to my heart for the first time in a long time and as a result, I am seeing and hearing things so differently.

It occurred to me Saturday while I sat pumping in a bathroom at the Galt House in Louisville, that my life has become unrecognizable. A modest girl by nature (I used to change for gym class in the bathroom instead of the locker room) there I sat with my bra undone as women passed in a storm to the restrooms. I even had a few conversations. Yes, one boob exposed, talking to strangers. Old Amanda would have DIED. And then there is the reason why I was at the Galt House in the first place. Amanda from a week ago had no plan to be there but the week had gone rather differently than planned. Let me explain:

I have always wanted to have a child. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Last year, it looked like I wouldn't be either. I remember sitting at Chick-fil-A a few days after I was diagnosed with infertility, watching the other women play with their children and unwrap lunches. There was one woman in particular that broke my heart. She was loving on a little, dark-haired girl who was wearing a tutu with rain boots. I was so sick with envy, I threw my lunch away and sat crying in my car.

Last June, I took a positive pregnancy test and my life has never been the same. I don't know if I have the words to describe my joy. I had gone through that infertility struggle hating myself for knowing and feeling that child  that I didn't have in my heart. Then suddenly, that child I longed for was there. She came to me so softly and quietly that I didn't even notice her presence. Well, until the morning sickness began and I was very aware of her presence.

With pregnancy came the battle over whether to work or stay home. I never felt like this was a decision I had to make; I felt like it was made for me. We couldn't afford for me to stay home. Black and white. Not an option. The struggle was over my guilt and disappointment for not being able to be home with this baby I so desperately wanted to bring into this world. I know wonderful women who work and raise children and I admire them more than I can say. It wasn't that I thought I'd be a bad mom if I worked. I just didn't want to miss a single moment of this child that I thought I'd never have.

In the last three weeks, my daycare plans have fallen through and I've struggled to piece together child care. I have had wonderful family members and friends step up to help me but even when I've found someone I trust to be with Ada, I've felt like my heart is going to break because I am not with her. I just kept praying, "God, give me a way to make this work. You've put it on my heart to be home with her. Why aren't you giving me a solution?!"

After a bad day at work, I spent hours trying to apply for part time work on Craigslist. I was desperate. I answered an ad for a part time position as someone's personal assistant who had the option of working from home. "I could stay home with Ada if I did that," I thought. I knew it was a long shot and probably even spam but like I said, I was desperate.

Within minutes, I got a reply. It was a name I recognized. It was the woman I buy Mary Kay from! I sent a message back and from there, things have been moving at a break-neck speed. We met at 10:00pm one night, after I got Ada to sleep, and she told me all about her experience. Three years ago she was in danger of losing her job due to the economy, so she bought her kit and got started. Within 6 months, she had her first car. Now she is a director on her third car and on her way to earning her pink Cadillac with a team of more than 30 women.

Travis and I prayed about it and after another really rough day at work, I decided to buy the starter kit and quit my job. It was $100. $100 that we don't have because without my income and benefits, what is leftover from Travis' paycheck isn't enough to afford dinner at Chick-fil-A let alone groceries. By Saturday, I was sitting at a Mary Kay seminar with hundreds of women who have taken the same leap of faith and succeeded. But still, even with evidence that I could do this, waves of panic and hysteria kept washing over me. So I sat there pumping, on the verge of tears, praying for a sign that I was doing the right thing.

The next morning at church, I felt this overwhelming need to go forward and ask for prayer. I've never done anything like that before. Remember, I'm the girl who changed clothes in the bathroom instead of the locker room. I went to the person closest to me, a woman I didn't know and have never seen, and it was like a dam broke letting all of the fear and uncertainty I had about my decision to stay home despite our very bleak financial situation come rushing out. She prayed with me and I went back to my seat, calm for the first time in weeks.

At the end of the service, the woman stopped me. "My husband and I talked and we want to give you this," she said, handing me a folded check. "I don't know your name so I left that part blank." I didn't know what to say. I was stunned. I didn't open the check until I got to the lobby. I was just being pushed through the crowd, in sort of a dreamlike state. When I did open the check, it was for $100. The EXACT amount of the Mary Kay kit. The kit we couldn't afford but bought anyway, hoping that God would provide a solution.

I would be lying if I said that I am not scared but with a sign like that, how could I not believe that I am doing the right thing. I had three problems last week: I wanted to be home with Ada, I couldn't afford being home with Ada, and my car is about to kick the bucket any time now. I feel like God has given me a solution to all of those problems and with flexibility so I can continue to write freelance. At church yesterday, our  pastor preached about Jonah. He said that God provided a fish to swallow Jonah. That has gone through my mind a thousand times since yesterday. Though the last three weeks have been more stressful than I can describe, I feel like they were the fish God provided for us. A blessing in disguise. Old Amanda wouldn't recognize me today but I think she'd be proud. Maybe even envious.

So, if you want to host a party or know someone who does, I know someone who would be very grateful...

Today's Inspiration:

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7


What I Am Most Thankful For This Week:
For very big, scary fishes.